A pinch of panic and a dash of salt

Yesterday work was interrupted by rapid heart beats, pins and needles in my hands, feet, and face. I couldn't breathe and nor swallow, my thoughts were racing and I thought I was about to keel over right there and then. I knew that I was having a panic attack and despite the deep breathing and reminding myself that my symptoms are just generated a rush of epinephrine running through my body and that nothing is actually happening to me, my entire afternoon was interrupted by this attack against my psyche.

I had been having less panic attacks and less PTSD flashbacks since March, so currently I'm trying to figure out what may be the instigator in these new sets of attacks. Why do I feel under attack?

Is it the USMLE? I find it kind of pathetic if it is. Nonetheless, I think that is the primary suspect. Is it starting in lab after I'm done with the exam? Less likely - though still a possibility. Could it be the fact that my significant other is in search of jobs and may mean a sudden relocation from one of the best medical schools in the country? Totally possible. Could it be the fact that I'm still "under investigation for perhaps having multiple sclerosis/demyelinating disease?" Yeah, totally could be.

I guess, it is less of one thing and more of the compounded load that my psyche then seems to have to bear. How could one's psyche not feel under attack? (Yet, there are those who are really under attack - nightly and daily. Not only are their psyche's under constant torment, but their bodies and well-being are trampled by those with greater force - don't get me started)

Commence the "rational thinking." Yes, I want to do well on the exam; yes I want to excel in lab - but the only thing I have control over is how hard I prepare and how often I meet with my adviser; how much I keep up with the literature; how dedicated I am to running controls. On a similar note, as much as I can worry about having MS, the worst thing I can do is live like I have MS without a final diagnosis. Nonetheless, I can still feel the tension like a tide waters hitting a broken levy and as I sit down to finish going over neurology and biochemistry today, I will have to combat the anxiety, however irrational it may be.

If it doesn't make sense then, why then? the panic attacks? the mood swings? Because living is conflict. With no gleaming solution to all of my menial problems, the only thing left I suppose is to be. To be? Here. And exist.

Reboot

Perhaps to my demise, I've managed to switch my blogger to my primary gmail account - which will make it easier for me to update chromatinite.

More to come - currently studying for Step 1 of boards and preparing to see my baby nephew again (since February).

Here he is, baby Oscar - or as Tim and I like to call him, baby Sidecar. ;)

Now, back to studying. I'll tackle biochemistry and Neurology/Psychiatry for the rest of the day.

Un cevichito y un vinito para J. Alberto Tello Montalvo

I just got back from Perú. I was only there for five days for my grandfather's wake and funeral. All in all, it was painful to see a great man go ... especially because our we live so far away (11 hour plane ride). But it was great to honor his life, achievements, and legacy.

In a blurb, he was a portrait painter, called, "El Maestro" or "El Retratista" in the art-circle of Lima/Perú. He was director of the National Autonomous School of Fine Arts of Perú in Lima (Escuela Nacional Superior Autónoma de Bellas Artes del Perú) from 1990-1994. During that time, he introduced new computer labs, improved the working conditions of the talleres (labs), and improved the artistic and academic standards of the school. He had worked at the School of Fine Arts as a professor, later on as a head professor, and head of talleres for over 30 years.

On a personal level, he overcame many obstacles, raised a loving family--for which he was a great role model, and a fine caballero. He passed away early Monday morning at 78 years of age. He will be missed and always loved.

I spent some time taking care of legal matters with my grandmother and during our taxi rides to and from different court houses and municipalidades, I got a tease of what Lima is becoming ... the new governor has done a lot for the city -- like putting grass/trees in the otherwise barren streets of Lima, placed new and much needed traffic lights, etc., etc. It was good to see my family. I only wish it had not been under these conditions and without my abuelito. But those who have family abroad and have bills to pay, understand that it gets pretty expensive to fly to South America with much frequency.
It was also quite good to be able to eat our amazing food, say "chau", and indiscriminately salute each other with besitos.

Well, that's it. I guess it's back to Ann Arbor and making up missed school work for now ...


J. Alberto Tello Montalvo
(02-29-1928 -- 11-06-2006)
(photo by Luis Incháustegui Torres)